As Heartbreak Island returns with a new international line-up, Tara Ward ranks the contestants based on their most important feature: their catchphrases.

Like an out-of-control virus, Heartbreak Island has gone global. The New Zealand reality competition that introduced us to Harry Jowsey and Vaz is back for a third season, streaming exclusively on ThreeNow and featuring a shiny new international cast. Hosted by Clint Randall, this season sees 16 horned-up singles from New Zealand, Australia, the UK and USA travel to a remote South Pacific island paradise to compete for love and/or $100,000.

If you’re new to Heartbreak Island, it’s basically a hectic mix of Love Island, The Krypton Factor and Survivor. And Three reckon they’ve scaled up the action this season. “Locations, challenges, passion plays and and eliminations are bigger, better and bolder than before,” the promos promise. The first episode sees contestants compete to twerk tacos out of their butts the fastest, so stand down Cupid, your work here is done.

But who are these international lovers putting their tacos on the line? Who’s playing the game of love, and who’s simply playing the game? We perused every line of Heartbreak Island’s press kit, and discovered the path to true love is paved with cheeky catchphrases. The contestants’ biographies are short and sweet, but their words reveal plenty about their Heartbreak Island hopes and dreams. We’ve ranked their potential to win based on the power of their mantra, and to coin another iconic reality TV catchphrase: it is what it is.

Tradesman Jake hails from Australia, and says he hasn’t committed to a partner because of his kickboxing goals. Extremely relatable.

This is an inspiring motivational quote, and exactly what I tell myself when I need to remember my Netflix password. Maiata is from the Cook Islands and once “hooked up with someone Insta-famous”. An iconic beginning.

A ratbag! A loveable larrikin! A “pretty tradie”! Absolute scenes on the adjective front for this Australian plumbing apprentice, who’s had so many sports injuries that his mates reckon he’s made of glass. What? Carry on.

Can a heart of gold fall in love with a man of glass? If a heart of gold falls in the forest and nobody hears it, is it actually an Australian bar manager looking for a big-shouldered man? So many questions.

American Holly has a loud, infectious laugh and wants a tall, tattooed guy with facial hair. Last weekend, I visited Clip n’ Climb in Invercargill and had a lovely time. You’re welcome Holly, enjoy your trip.

Everybody likes pockets, so this is an excellent start. Amber describes herself as a “fiery night owl” who gives off “rock chick vibes”, and is looking for a man with wit and charm. No mention of taco twerking talent, but fingers crossed.

Englishman Max knows nothing makes the heart pump faster than cold, hard cash. He claims he’s a “male version of a mean girl” and is known for telling his mates to ditch their girlfriends at the first sign of trouble. LOL! He sounds fun.

She’s here to find Heartbreak Island’s Channing Tatum, aka the boy you’ll forever look for in everybody else. Good luck to one and all.

Jason Donovan’s debut album was called Ten Good Reasons and Kylie Minogue still dumped him, so I’m worried that two massive reasons won’t be enough for Ashleigh to win Heartbreak Island. The competition hasn’t even started, and already we’re stressed.

Wise words. This is also what happens at the airport luggage claim when you don’t get your suitcase off the conveyor belt quickly enough.

Look, that’s nine words, but who’s counting? Not me, not Milly, and definitely not the man made of glass. Aucklander Milly has the same IQ as Albert Einstein. Enough said.

It’s the type of mind blowing riddle that Bilbo Baggins used on Gollum in The Hobbit. Did we see Manaaki last night? We don’t know. Can we see him now? We can’t be sure. Will the Dunedin student win? Only the tacos know the truth.

Manual or automatic? The nation needs to know. New Zealander Mez says he has the ability to see sound waves, he speaks four languages and has “charisma pouring out of him”. Sounds messy, but we love to see it.

Sign, sealed, delivered. Stick a stamp on British postie Keiran’s catchphrase and send it overnight delivery, no signature required, straight to the pool room.

Survivor fan Chris is from America. He sells real estate and “uses Hinge for the wife search and Bumble for the hook-ups”, which is the modern day equivalent of live, laugh, love. Strive hard, Chris, may all your dreams come true. 

It’s poetry, it’s music, it’s a catchphrase symphony. Kacey for the win.

Follow our reality TV recap podcast The Real Pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast provider.

Heartbreak Island premieres Thursday August 11 on ThreeNow.

The Spinoff’s television section is brought to you by Panasonic.

Find out more about how you can bring Panasonic brilliance to your home.

The Spinoff is subject to NZ Media Council procedures. A complaint must be first directed in writing, within one month of publication, to info@thespinoff.co.nz. If not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the online complaint form at www.presscouncil.org.nz along with a link to the relevant story and all correspondence with the publication.